Jeff was having a good day. He'd finally got the Counselling Centre a "partnership agreement". These things were so fashionable nowadays. True, the partner was only the tatty Catholic Church round the corner but they were friendly. Even given him their old confessional box with the suggestion he use it for "supervision" sessions with the counsellors he managed.
Damien, one of the younger counsellors had been sceptical but entered into the spirit of it…
"Bless me Supervisor for I have sinned!" he intoned
"And what sin would that be? Have you been Insensitive?"
"No"
"Made Assumptions?"
"No, worse than that. Oh, I can't say it!"
Jeff had a lot of experience so his next question seemed quite casual.
"Oh dear! Which client did you shag?"
"NO, it's WORSE than even that!!!!"
Jeff was bewildered
"Wow! What have you done? C'mon, spit it out!"
Tears filled Damien's eyes. Hesitantly he admitted his guilt
"I have been INCONSISTENT"
"Now I am shocked!" said Jeff firmly "Five hundred Hail Marys!
Tuesday, 24 March 2009
Friday, 20 March 2009
New phrase: Reputation Management
Shortly after I blogged about the TV Licensing people, someone from Fishburn Hedges surfed by. I looked them up and they say they are "one of the leading reputation management firms in Europe" and their clients include "BBC TV Licensing"
Links
Fishburn Hedges
Me v TV Licensing
They say: "we’re here to make a difference - to the reputation of their brand, organisation or campaign. To make them better. Not just look better, but be better. And always with a clear purpose: to change the behaviours and opinions of those who matter to them."
Respect, guys! You have the client from Hell!
Links
Fishburn Hedges
Me v TV Licensing
Tuesday, 17 March 2009
Less is more
Just this week the doctor sent me to see his vampires. They call themselves Phlebotomists nowadays which is more cuddly but only marginally.
When I got to "Phlebotomy" (that's cuddly too, right?) about 20 other patients were already parked in various nooks and crannies. No sign of a queue or anything British. Lots of signs about the dangers of ultra violent ("What skin type are you?), the dangers of Osteoporosis (£35 for a test), the benefits of counselling (A fee is charged for this service), No smoking, wear a condom, keep fit…..
As I stood there looking bewildered, another patient took pity and directed me down a narrow corridor on the left and told me to take a numbered card from the board on the right. I got the card, sat down feeling pretty stupid and wondered if the compulsory 14 hour pre-test fast had damaged my brain.
Then another patient came in, looked bewildered at all the signage and had to be helped into the system. Every new patient went through the same procedure. Except for the lady who was there for Chemotherapy. There was a prominent red sign telling her not to take a number. So she didn't.
Now, somewhere in that room, there was a clear, unambiguous set of instructions but none of us could see them.
I wondered about having a word with the staff. Then I remembered what happened last time I gave similar feedback. It was in a small office where I worked. Wrote a memo!
Dear Boss
I just counted the notices on the walls. There are 241
Yours
Boss took action! She put a load of cubes onto the desks and transferred some of the notices to them. You can get 6 notices on a cube. Clever.
When I got to "Phlebotomy" (that's cuddly too, right?) about 20 other patients were already parked in various nooks and crannies. No sign of a queue or anything British. Lots of signs about the dangers of ultra violent ("What skin type are you?), the dangers of Osteoporosis (£35 for a test), the benefits of counselling (A fee is charged for this service), No smoking, wear a condom, keep fit…..
As I stood there looking bewildered, another patient took pity and directed me down a narrow corridor on the left and told me to take a numbered card from the board on the right. I got the card, sat down feeling pretty stupid and wondered if the compulsory 14 hour pre-test fast had damaged my brain.
Then another patient came in, looked bewildered at all the signage and had to be helped into the system. Every new patient went through the same procedure. Except for the lady who was there for Chemotherapy. There was a prominent red sign telling her not to take a number. So she didn't.
Now, somewhere in that room, there was a clear, unambiguous set of instructions but none of us could see them.
I wondered about having a word with the staff. Then I remembered what happened last time I gave similar feedback. It was in a small office where I worked. Wrote a memo!
Dear Boss
I just counted the notices on the walls. There are 241
Yours
Boss took action! She put a load of cubes onto the desks and transferred some of the notices to them. You can get 6 notices on a cube. Clever.
Doh!
Monday, 16 March 2009
Practical Pest Control #37 - TV Licensing Enforcement Officer
As with all our articles on pest control, we start with a little biology. Contrary to statements on some websites, TV Licensing Enforcement Officers are not in fact reptiles. Surprisingly, they are actually mammals quite closely related to man!
The exact date of the introduction of this pest into the UK is unknown but it was probably after World War II. Like another recently arrived pest, Mink (Neovison vison) they were originally introduced for a practical reason.
In the case of Mink this was for fur farms but the animals escaped and kill many small wild and domestic creatures.
TV Licensing Enforcement Officer is used to hunt down people who use a TV without paying the licence fee. Unfortunately, they also harass people who don't have a TV.
Normal pest control methods such as trapping or shooting are not legal for TV Licensing Enforcement Officer. For many years there seemed to be no way of dealing with infestations but I've recently discovered a promising new method - and I'm going to share it with you free of charge.
Here's a little about their habits:
Any address without a license is sent an intimidating letter demanding that a licence is bought on pain of prosecution and a £1000 fine.
Novices who don't have a TV believe that all they need do is explain the situation and that will be the end of the matter.
They couldn't be more wrong. TV Licensing Enforcement Officer replies that since over a third of the people who claim not to need a licence are lying, they intend to come and search your house!
They do actually turn up sometimes. You don't have to let them in or even talk to them. (Unless they have a Search Warrant which is unusual)
The whole dreary cycle repeats. In my case, it's been going on for 30 years.
I was clear in my mind that I wanted to achieve:
Stop the visits
Stop the letters
Now, under common law, anyone has the right to walk up to your front door and knock unless you've told them not to. Legally, this is called withdrawing the implied right of access to your property - and it goes in the letter you send to their nest. That should stop the visits.
Next, you are not obliged to answer their threatening letters. So, you tell them you are introducing charges for dealing with them!
So here's the letter:
The British Broadcasting Corporation
Broadcasting House
Portland Place
London
W1A 1AA
Date
Dear Sirs
As you know, there has been no TV licence at this address for over 29 years. You also know that is because I don't have a TV. During the last 29 years, you have repeatedly harassed me with your letters, threats and enquiry officers.
1. I withdraw from the BBC, TV Licensing, your employees, agents and other associates the implied right of access to my property at (address)
2. You may acknowledge this letter.
3. You will not attempt to contact me or anyone at this address further except as set out below:
Fees that apply should you wish to continue contact with me:
3.1.1 Receiving communications from you by any media, £25 per occasion. I reserve the right to decide whether or not to respond to your communications.
3.1.2 Receiving visits in connection with TV Licenses, £50 per occasion, which must be sent at least 7 days before the visit. I will then telephone you to arrange a convenient time.
3.1.3 If you attempt a visit outside the terms of section 3.1.2 above, the fee rises to £75 payable in cash on the doorstep. Should your representative fail to pay the £75, not only will they not be admitted, you will be liable to a further invoicing charge of £25 making a total of £100.
I am entitled to use force to remove trespassers on my land.
I reserve the right to record any of your activities.
No communication from you purporting to vary any of the above has any validity unless explicitly agreed by me in writing.
If you are concerned that I'm an evader, use detection equipment from the street. Just leave me alone!
Yours
This should result in them writing back to you
Dear X
Thank you for you recent letter….
I am sorry…not our intention to harass….
Having received your letter, I have noted your effective withdrawal of the common law right for a TV Licensing Officer to approach your property. Your instructions will of course be adhered to….
…our standard renewal notices and unlicensed mailings have been stopped…
Thank you again for writing to us…..Notes
The exact date of the introduction of this pest into the UK is unknown but it was probably after World War II. Like another recently arrived pest, Mink (Neovison vison) they were originally introduced for a practical reason.
In the case of Mink this was for fur farms but the animals escaped and kill many small wild and domestic creatures.
TV Licensing Enforcement Officer is used to hunt down people who use a TV without paying the licence fee. Unfortunately, they also harass people who don't have a TV.
Normal pest control methods such as trapping or shooting are not legal for TV Licensing Enforcement Officer. For many years there seemed to be no way of dealing with infestations but I've recently discovered a promising new method - and I'm going to share it with you free of charge.
Here's a little about their habits:
I was clear in my mind that I wanted to achieve:
Next, you are not obliged to answer their threatening letters. So, you tell them you are introducing charges for dealing with them!
So here's the letter:
The British Broadcasting Corporation
Broadcasting House
Portland Place
London
W1A 1AA
Date
Dear Sirs
As you know, there has been no TV licence at this address for over 29 years. You also know that is because I don't have a TV. During the last 29 years, you have repeatedly harassed me with your letters, threats and enquiry officers.
1. I withdraw from the BBC, TV Licensing, your employees, agents and other associates the implied right of access to my property at (address)
2. You may acknowledge this letter.
3. You will not attempt to contact me or anyone at this address further except as set out below:
Fees that apply should you wish to continue contact with me:
3.1.1 Receiving communications from you by any media, £25 per occasion. I reserve the right to decide whether or not to respond to your communications.
3.1.2 Receiving visits in connection with TV Licenses, £50 per occasion, which must be sent at least 7 days before the visit. I will then telephone you to arrange a convenient time.
3.1.3 If you attempt a visit outside the terms of section 3.1.2 above, the fee rises to £75 payable in cash on the doorstep. Should your representative fail to pay the £75, not only will they not be admitted, you will be liable to a further invoicing charge of £25 making a total of £100.
I am entitled to use force to remove trespassers on my land.
I reserve the right to record any of your activities.
No communication from you purporting to vary any of the above has any validity unless explicitly agreed by me in writing.
If you are concerned that I'm an evader, use detection equipment from the street. Just leave me alone!
Yours
This should result in them writing back to you
Dear X
Thank you for you recent letter….
I am sorry…not our intention to harass….
Having received your letter, I have noted your effective withdrawal of the common law right for a TV Licensing Officer to approach your property. Your instructions will of course be adhered to….
…our standard renewal notices and unlicensed mailings have been stopped…
Thank you again for writing to us…..Notes
- My thanks to Ian K for suggesting the use of green ink.
- Point 2 in my letter is vital. You need their acknowledgement of seeing your letter
- Of course, they might not actually leave me alone but it will cost them money and embarrassment
- I'm not a lawyer. Do not rely on this as legal advice
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